His Name is Dr Bones
by ShireWulf
Summary: Bones AU featuring Dr. Piccolo Daimao, the socially incompetent but brilliant forensic anthropologist and Special Agent Chichi Gyumao, the cocky, quick-drawing, former-sniper-turned FBI agent. Together with a crack team of eclectic geniuses, they solve murders and bring justice to the world. Also feat: 18, Krillin, Bulma, and especially Gohan.
1. Chapter 1

"Agent Gyumao, I protest. You cannot bring your child into the lab, we have rules -"

"That's _Special_ Agent Gyumao, for the last time. And I'm sorry, Bones, but my babysitter isn't available and we've got a body."

"What have I told you about calling me 'Bones,' Gyumao - don't hand me your child!"

Piccolo sputtered as the FBI agent deposited her son in his arms, the boy was beaming up at him for some unfathomable reason.

"Hiya Dr. Piccolo!" He stared down at the child, too put off to even blink at the boy - what was his name again? Gohan? - until the Thorn in His Side otherwise known as Special Agent Chichi Gyumao coughed. "Mom, am I coming to look at the body?!"

"No, baby, you and Dr. Piccolo are gonna stay here and look at those old bones he was lookin' at before you and I arrived."

" _Excuse_ me," Piccolo interrupted, adjusting his grip on the child, "but I must be present to examine the body -"

"No, Dr. Daimao," Bulma's heels click-click-clicked down the stairs from her second story office above the lab, "the body is, as you often say 'too fleshy' for you to be of any use at the scene. So you get to stick with your old bones from World War One." Dr. Briefs paused to ruffle Gyumao's kid's hair before slipping her arm through Gyumao's elbow as the two women ran out the door, Special Agent Gyumao turned back to Piccolo and Gohan, waving at them.

"Be a good boy, Gohan! And Piccolo, you be nice to my son, you make my boy cry and you'll be sorry!" Gohan giggled in the forensic anthropologist's arms, and looked up, meeting Piccolo's eyes.

"I've read all your books, Dr. Piccolo! Can I look at the soldier bones with you?"

"Against my better judgement…" Piccolo rolled his eyes and settled the boy on his hip, he sighed, and swept back to the table with the unknown soldier's remains. "You may sit here," he placed Gohan on a stool, "and you are _not_ to touch _anything_."

Gohan immediately flopped forward, his elbows landing on the examination table. "Kid," Piccolo growled, "'anything' includes the table."

"I wanna help, and I can't see from over there!"

"And how can you be of assistance?" Piccolo's voice was harsher than he had really intended, and his ears flicked in response to the boy's face. Don't cry, he pleaded silently, brilliant brain turning itself inside out trying to find a way to fix the situation before his partner's kid started to bawl his eyes out. However, the child's face puckered in an expression other than tears, and Gohan pointed at the vertebrae, beginning to name each one, and and then spreading to the other bones.

"This is where the biceps inserts into the humerus, and -"

"Alright," Piccolo tossed the boy a pair of gloves, "you can touch the bones, but please be careful and don't pick them up off the table. These are very old and you're not a doctor so I technically should not let you -" but Gohan was already pressing his face close over the table, turning over the left radius with careful fingers.

"May I have a piece of paper to write down observations of irregularities?" Piccolo squinted at the boy; he couldn't have been older than seven based on physical growth markers. If he was recalling the timeline of Special Agent Gyumao's stories correctly… Well, that made Gohan six and a few months. Fascinating. He handed the boy a memo pad and pen, watching in amusement as Gohan's tongue poked out of his mouth as he scribbled down notes in childlike script.


	2. Chapter 2

Hours passed before Gyumao and Bulma returned from the field, an intern pushing a cart with a body bag behind them. Gohan looked up, beaming as his mother approached, swiping in behind Bulma.

"We figured out who the skeleton is, Mom!" He started to jump down from his high stool, only to have Piccolo catch him and set him lightly on his feet with an admonishment to be careful in a lab. The boy looked sheepishly up at Piccolo before returning to his prior level of exuberance. "See? There's an old injury to the thigh bone - I mean femur - that matches getting kicked in the leg by a horse. Private Dan Waters had the injury and we matched the skull shape too!"

"We?" Chichi scooped her son into her arms, looking at Piccolo, who grunted.

"Your child is very knowledgeable about human anatomy," she smiled at the rough scientist. He looked away.

"What do we have for a case?"

"Ooh I wanna see!"

Chichi did not have time to deny her son the pleasure. Bulma cut in, taking the boy from his mother's hands and setting him down next to one of the techs.

"Actually, Gohan, I was thinking you might like to see what Miss Eighteen does, and maybe Dr. Krillin can show you how he uses particulates to help us solve crimes?"

The six year old's eyes lit up like stars, and he nodded, following the tech to Lazuli's office.

"Thanks," the agent murmured, "this is awfully grisly and I don't want the little guy having nightmares."

Piccolo wrinkled his nose at the sight and stench of the decaying corpse.

"Well, Dr. Briefs, I suppose you're not inaccurate. These remains currently have too much flesh on them. Please alert me when you have finished with the soft tissue and the bones cleaned so I may begin my work." Piccolo returned to packing up the soldier's remains. "And Agent, in the future, remember that I am not a babysitting service."

Chichi rolled her eyes, placing her hands on her hips, sport coat sliding back to reveal her gun and badge on her belt.

"I still can't figure out why he looks up to you. Sweet little boy like my son hero worshipping a solitary, socially challenged green grump like yourself."

"That was borderline offensive, Special Agent."

"Which part?"

Piccolo looked up from the old bones, seemingly contemplating his answer.

"All of it," he decided.

"What do we know so far?" It was the following day, and Special Agent Chichi Gyumao was eager to move forward with the case.

Chichi tapped her foot, standing back as Daimao used hot dog tongs to remove a long bone from the cleaning tank."

"You're better off talking to Bulma, as she has been able to examine the soft tissue," Daimao did not bother to look at her, too focused on placing the bones on a tray. "But we know we're looking for the identity of a middle aged male of saiyan descent. Judging by the muscle attachments, an athlete, although that isn't exactly surprising given the cul-"

"Saiyan?"

"Yes, see those? They're bones belonging to a saiyan's tail."

Chichi pursed her lips, looking at the skull intently, trying to see the face that used to adorn it.

"Can you -"

Piccolo looked up sharply.

"I can assure you that this is not the body of your ex-husband. There are too many bones considering he was in an accident resulting in the complete loss of his tail. And," he gestured to the eye sockets, "your ex-husband's sustained a substantial injury to his left zygomatic last year before he disappeared. This skull shows no signs of remodeled fractures in that area." She nodded, crossing her arms. Her stomach twisted in on itself, unsure if it was relieved or distressed that the set of bones on Daimao's table did not belong to her missing ex-husband. She did not want to examine that particular set of emotions.


End file.
